Brownies and bullshit

Last day of high school for my son, ever.

I wake up super early, 4ish am, because I planned on waking up at 5:30. No, it doesn't make sense, but it happened. I lay in bed, refusing to start my day that early, listening to the storm outside.

CRACK! And the walls shake. Now I'm 120% sure of 3 things. 1. One or both giant oak trees in the front yard have been struck by lightening and crushed our cars 2. I will be starting my day this early 3. I will need the dark roast set on expresso.

I pass the hall bathroom and my poor pup was curled up on a towel in the corner. She hates storms and tentatively follows me into the living room where the other two are eagerly awaiting my arrival. I open the back door to let the dogs out and they all jump back... right, rain. I leave the door open anyway.

Pecan is still in one piece in the back so I go to check the front. Pants. I forgot pants. I make it all the way to the end of my entrance, outside. Yes lol good anyway.

Coffee, breakfast, kid. My very small list of things to accomplish because my brain isn't functioning yet. Coffee CHECK! Food... food...food... nope. Because someone got hungry the night before.

Kid it is. Hugs and hugs and congratulations and excitement. He's done after today! Yay! Not the big breakfast I wanted to make, but he has coffee and is totally content.

We chat before he leaves, laugh about stuff, and I give him another big hug and tell him how proud I am before he leaves.

Totally together. I'm good, no more tears. Today is a S.T.A.T. day. Orders to catch up on before tomorrow's crazy day of graduation, family party, etc. and lots of pre manufactured orders to get out. Busy busy bus... and I dropped my phone. Which I do all the time. But this time I knew it was THAT time. And it is. Glass is horribly spidered. But it works! A worry for another day when there's more money and more fucks given.

Make my oatmeal, another coffee, sit down at the computer to do my morning checklist and totally get side tracked. Stupid interwebs.

The hubs takes over primary toddler wrangler for the day, and I... well, I work on my online store front. I'm not generally a sitter and will perch on the edge of my chair for hours if I'm cramming computer work. But today I sit back and curl into my big armchair (yes I use a recliner as a computer chair) and get totally engrossed in fixing a major error I noticed in my listings... and there goes my day.

I pack orders, don't actually do any sewing, forget to start dinner, and end day.

My hubs complains and rants about having to dress nice for the ceremony, how he's just going to get stuck with miss toddles, how horrible it's going to be to keep her settled, etc. I let him talk. I always do. And he does. In length. About everything.

One of his favorite things is to look up random subjects about anything I've mentioned, have expressed an interest in, or am doing and tell me how it's either a horrible idea, that I'm wrong, or there's a better way to do it backed up with data and facts.

I'm not a stupid person. I'm overly analytical about everything. So generally he's wrong or doesn't have a grasp on the situation.

But I let him talk. And gently steer him to my logic or sometimes even tell him he's right or wow, great idea. Because that's how we do.

Tonight, however, it was my turn to talk. Which I generally don't do.

He was making brownies and if you're making brownies, cookies or cake it's a sin not to taste the batter or dough. Multiple times. Until the bowl and spoon are clean. He gives me the look and I proceed to tell him about an article I read regarding the actual dangers and chances of getting salmonella from eating raw batter and cookie dough. Tables. Turned. He tells me he doesn't fucking care. Because he doesn't want to take the chance with Ms. Toddles. Even though the risk is higher with cooked chicken. Which she eats all the time.

Doesn't. Fucking. Care.

All the lectures I listen to DAILY about literally everything, times he's spent hours researching just to tell me I'm wrong, or to learn a different way to do something than how I do it... and he's going to tell me he doesn't care.

Fuck you.

I've watched him "try things out" multiple times when it comes to even the most important things, like our daughter. I don't tell him I don't care. I explain why I do things the way I do, why it works for me and question some of the logic. Then let him try to prove me wrong. Repeatedly.

I try to talk to him about anything and he interrupts me, takes over the conversation, and talks. I listen, maybe make a few remarks, then walk away.

And he doesn't care.

I go off.

I can literally count on both hands the number of fights we've been in. Even with my crazy anxiety. I know when something is irrational and can generally talk myself down.

But this. This infuriates me and I'm fucking justified.

I tell him how he is constantly talking, almost always negative, trying to prove me wrong, taking over conversations and turning them into lectures... and that this is why I never talk to him.

And he tries to turn it around on me. Ummm, no. I didn't say I don't care what you say. I said I LISTEN to what you have to say. I try to converse with you. Don't try to twist my words.

He's sorry. He really does care what I have to say. He's stressed about having to handle the toddles during the graduation.

Suck it up. Stay home or deal with it. Everyone is anxious about my hubs being there because it's always a shitstorm of negative remarks and why anything we're doing is pointless and stupid when the sprite is there.

Does he listen to what I suggest? Or how I handle her? No, he doesn't. He says that's not how he's going to deal with her. So she walks all over him. And he ends up cussing and making belittling remarks about the event, why are we there in the first place, how he doesn't care about what the event is for whatever reason, why anyone would want to go, etc until I finally pack our shit and walk out. This will not be one of those times.

I don't argue with him when this happens, I don't yell at him, I pack up Sprite in the car and take a short walk while he starts it up, or get in the back next to her. Because he knows why I'm upset. He let's me cool off then will try to make conversation. Ummm, no. You just finished throwing a grown man fit in front of your toddler and a stadium full of people to get what you want, I'm missing the last half of my son's football game, again, and now you want to talk? Nope.

Not this time. One remark, just one and I'll escort you to the nearest door and close it behind you. I may or may not talk to you ever again.

Once again, suck it up. Shut your mouth for a few fucking hours and let me enjoy the turmoil of my son's graduation.

I'm still pissed even after I went off. Fuck him and his must prove me wrong negative fucking attitude. Also, don't fuck with my cookie dough and brownie mix.

Spirited Woodland Creatures

I have a foster pup who we have named Fawn. She was previously abused at the hands of the male in her last home. It has taken her some time to come around, and she will still cower from non family members, but for us her personality has really blossomed. And she's a hellion. Not necessarily bad, just a tornado of energy. Her and my toddler tag team destruction throughout the day.

When Fawn first came to stay, the only person she would not shy from was our toddler, who will now be called Sprite because it's easier.

Sprite would sit with her, try to play with her, feed her by hand... all things you do to build trust. They became fast friends. Sprite enjoyed being bigger than her (she's not quite 3 and our 2 permanent pets are 60 & 90lbs) and Fawn loved her energy level.

And then there were 2. Two small spirited beings looking for outlets for their energy. The skinny, fearful little white fox is now a spring loaded talkative puppy. Who loves to jump. And run. And jump while running.

She's just a small thing, maybe 20lbs, knee height or so... but she can leap straight into the air a good 5 feet. From a dead stop. Her favorite game is to leap off and on the back of the coach and play tag with Sprite around the house.

Perfect. The two little balls of energy can keep each other entertained for awhile and hopefully burn a bit off. Wrong. Completely, utterly wrong.

Sprite taught Fawn wooden toys are dog toys. Sawdust.

Their games of chase include behind computers, through seemingly immobile objects, out the back door, back in, into the bedrooms because Sprite's new trick is opening doors... in their wake are couch cushions, sticks, toys, clothes, discarded snack bags, dog fur and dirt. My poor four legged children look on in horror as the two Littles wiz by.

Sometimes the doby mix, Sunna, will play with Fawn, and my basset marked pup, Zenith, has found her occasional puppy side as well. Furniture may get bumped, a pillow or two fall off the couch but nothing like the utter devastation of Sprite and Fawn.

So, in light of all that, anyone in search of a new four legged companion? She's beautiful, white thick medium length fur, big standing ears that are full of expression, cuddly, loving and already fixed ❤ Must have an active lifestyle, or 3, or just a toddler with a free range backyard and couch 😉

Goals and Memory Dumps

With everything in my life I set my goals high so I can get super stoked when I meet them. Nothing extravagant like not cursing, going to Disney or climbing the tallest peak on Mars. More like finishing my cup of coffee before it gets cold, remembering to eat and drink throughout the day, having less than 5 memory dumps, and so on.

There are bigger goals actually... some I mentioned a couple days ago. Scheduling social media posts, updating and adding listings in my stores, lining up and knocking out orders, toddlering with minimal toddles, cooking, cleaning and trying to stay on task.

Let me give a few definitions to a couple words and phrases from above:

~ Memory Dump: This is my internal description for an instance when I can't recall what I was going to do. The general mental progression involves me working on anything, my mind tracking the steps to completion, what is the next thing on the agenda, the steps to complete that, singing the ants go marching, signing the numbers with my toddler, crunching times to constantly update what I can realistically finish before dinner, what's for dinner, did I eat breakfast... it's literally a buzzing. In my head. Like post epic concert buzzing in my ears. Then there's an interruption. It's never truly identifiable. The mental buzz will continue through the dogs barking, switching to the alphabet or silly stories, needing something from another room, whatever. But something interrupts my thought patterns and the buzzing fades. It's like taking headphones off. You could always hear what was going on around you but weren't truly aware when the headphones were on. Now that they're off the world comes back into auditory focus and I'm left with only one thought. What was I doing and why am I going here, standing here, sitting here... Memory Dump. Frustrating, hard to control and manage but a great time to clean something. I'll usually remember what I was doing eventually.

~ Toddles: Those moments when she asks for cheese puffs then gets incredibly emotional because I gave her cheese puffs and runs to her room yelling "No Mommy No" and will have nothing to do with my efforts to understand or comfort her. Then finally on the 7th time I go back in to see if she'll look at me, she runs into my arms & cuddles for a few moments while I sway back and forth on the way to the kitchen to get her a drink. Where, of course, she sees the open bag of cheese puffs on the counter and says "NUMMIES!" The only thing to do is hand her the bag, a drink and watch her run into the other room and enthusiastically munch down on the previously offensive cheese puffs while I stand dumbfounded in the kitchen. One instance of the Toddles. There are many varieties, but they all have one thing in common. A complete sense of what the fuck.

So, back to goals. Today was a S.T.A.T. day. I finished my first cup of coffee still hot, I posted on both my business Facebook pages, listings updated and added,  started my scheduled ig posts, had orders lined up, made a second cup of coffee then was contacted to do 2 different large orders. Focus pays off my friends. I sent details to both parties, did a bit of q&a, and was finally ready to get to my studio. And.... it's lunch time. Somewhere I either got distracted on the evil of the Internet, or the prep to do the orders took longer than I thought. My second cup of coffee is cold. Sad moment.

Miss toddler had already finished almost 2 servings, adult servings, of oatmeal, an apple, a couple cups full of Milk and water  and is excited about the prospect of more food. When a toddler is eating, you take full advantage!

Personally, I had half of her second serving of oatmeal. Cold because I forgot I had it in front of me.

Lunch is in the studio since I'm behind and the day whizzes by. I accomplished everything I had planned, even being a few hours behind! Only one memory dump moment, one toddle, and dinner time is upon us!

Mealtime is a bit more planned since I'm now on day 2 of adjusting my nutrition to help support my body holistically for my increase in activity. Or, you know, eating better and working out and shit. So dinner is a filling balanced meal because tomorrow starts the work out routine.

I'm completely stoked. I don't even know where to set my goals. My body is completely different than it was last time. Yes, I've had a baby since then, but it's not the lack of abdominal muscle tone or extra pounds that I'm doubting. It's the slippery joints.

Elastin. The body does amazing things when pregnant, one of those is creating more elastin so that tendons can stretch further with minimal damage during birth. That's how it's supposed to work. I had bones grinding in my last 6 weeks of pregnancy because my body decided it didn't need any tendons. They went on a relaxing fucking vacation and never fully came back.

Tomorrow it's time to beat them into shape. I forsee a lot of yoga and Pilates in my future for recovery...

~ Phoenix Theory

Hitting reset

May 16 2016 sometime after 10:30pm

I woke up at 4:30 this morning and immediately started running through my list of "Stuff to Accomplish Today". Let's break that down a bit. I have a small stack of orders for my business, items to be sorted for the co op, photos to edit, home line to prepare for launch, posts to make, listings to renew... and for some reason my mind was ready to get it started at 4:30 in the morning. I knew this was going to be a rough day. My brain and I woke up arguing.

"Stuff to Accomplish Today" can be taken two ways. Either S.A.T. or S.T.A.T.

S.A.T. I never really sit, but there are days where nothing gets accomplished and I might as well have been overtaken by alien body snatchers and put back at the end of the day when I finally lay down and realize I don't recall what actually happened since I awoke. But I am almost positive my studio is a disaster with no finished project to show for it, the kitchen is a mess, my toddlers food is still on her plate untouched and the dogs have tracked a layer of dirt on the floor and dust on the cabinets.

S.T.A.T. Somehow in zombie state the coffee ends up fantastic, dishes are done from my previous days failures, breakfast is made, the toddler eats, my posts and updates are completed before she's ready to get down from her chair, I have my projects lined up and a PLAN. Caffeine infused and with my stomach satiated I breeze through the day. Which really means I completed 1/3 of the planned projects, ate 3 meals with my toddler, dishes are at least soaking, the floors were vacuumed, but the dogs still managed to add a new layer of dirt and dust down. Can't win em all.

With that clarified, today was a S.T.A.T. day. With my studio mostly cleaned and organized following yesterday's 2 week project completion, I laid out my next four orders and got started. Then I was tagged in social media. Cue raffle agreement, details being hashed out, launching my second line prematurely because, well, raffle items belonged to it and you know, publicity. That means social media posts, online store launch, etc. Excellent! Accomplishments! Oh, it's my god sons birthday... Super hero tank now jumped before other orders. And my machine is rebelling. Four tries to get the stitching right. Nothing. Ok, fine, sending it without decorative stitching.

And it's 5pm. Now I've left out things like eating, toddlering, order q&a, socializing, promoting, toddlering... but either way, it's time to start dinner.

Hubs is home and on a downsizing tangent. So all day I've been watching him walk to the garage and trash with bags full of stuff. I'm totally ok with this. Big move planned soon so it's on the agenda. However, he starts mentioning all the clothes we had pre-baby. While we're getting dinner ready.

Blah.... ok. Yes. Let's do it. We'll start tomorrow. Work out routine go go Go! I truly love working out. I miss it. I miss hiking and challenging myself....

But what about all the "Stuff to Accomplish Today"?

So, now my mind is racing trying to rearrange my schedule tomorrow, what meal adjustments I can make with what we have, where my ankle brace is, how much time it will take for me to get my joints to meet my expectations, if my toddler will join in, if my teenager wants to join... It's now added to my "Stuff to Accomplish Today"

~ Onward to tomorrow! Sat or stat?

Clarification: I don't "diet". I adjust my nutrition for increased activities to reduce swelling, cramping and increase stamina and energy.

Obviously i want to lose weight, but no I will not make that the focus. For both my daughter and my sake. Strength, flexibility and endurance goals will be set, reached, and celebrated! I want to hike the mountains our first week in Washington with the minimal amount of physical restrictions.

~ Phoenix Theory