I've been treading water today, trying to remember how to swim. I want to go somewhere, do something, but i can't figure out how to get there and I'm not sure exactly what the something is I want to do.
There was little I remember about today. Just an automaton running through its minimum daily tasks.
Do, do, do, sit and wait until the next do, do, do.
Where's my lifeline? My way back? Why do I still feel lost? My mind is so quiet.
With everything in my life I set my goals high so I can get super stoked when I meet them. Nothing extravagant like not cursing, going to Disney or climbing the tallest peak on Mars. More like finishing my cup of coffee before it gets cold, remembering to eat and drink throughout the day, having less than 5 memory dumps, and so on.
There are bigger goals actually... some I mentioned a couple days ago. Scheduling social media posts, updating and adding listings in my stores, lining up and knocking out orders, toddlering with minimal toddles, cooking, cleaning and trying to stay on task.
Let me give a few definitions to a couple words and phrases from above:
~ Memory Dump: This is my internal description for an instance when I can't recall what I was going to do. The general mental progression involves me working on anything, my mind tracking the steps to completion, what is the next thing on the agenda, the steps to complete that, singing the ants go marching, signing the numbers with my toddler, crunching times to constantly update what I can realistically finish before dinner, what's for dinner, did I eat breakfast... it's literally a buzzing. In my head. Like post epic concert buzzing in my ears. Then there's an interruption. It's never truly identifiable. The mental buzz will continue through the dogs barking, switching to the alphabet or silly stories, needing something from another room, whatever. But something interrupts my thought patterns and the buzzing fades. It's like taking headphones off. You could always hear what was going on around you but weren't truly aware when the headphones were on. Now that they're off the world comes back into auditory focus and I'm left with only one thought. What was I doing and why am I going here, standing here, sitting here... Memory Dump. Frustrating, hard to control and manage but a great time to clean something. I'll usually remember what I was doing eventually.
~ Toddles: Those moments when she asks for cheese puffs then gets incredibly emotional because I gave her cheese puffs and runs to her room yelling "No Mommy No" and will have nothing to do with my efforts to understand or comfort her. Then finally on the 7th time I go back in to see if she'll look at me, she runs into my arms & cuddles for a few moments while I sway back and forth on the way to the kitchen to get her a drink. Where, of course, she sees the open bag of cheese puffs on the counter and says "NUMMIES!" The only thing to do is hand her the bag, a drink and watch her run into the other room and enthusiastically munch down on the previously offensive cheese puffs while I stand dumbfounded in the kitchen. One instance of the Toddles. There are many varieties, but they all have one thing in common. A complete sense of what the fuck.
So, back to goals. Today was a S.T.A.T. day. I finished my first cup of coffee still hot, I posted on both my business Facebook pages, listings updated and added, started my scheduled ig posts, had orders lined up, made a second cup of coffee then was contacted to do 2 different large orders. Focus pays off my friends. I sent details to both parties, did a bit of q&a, and was finally ready to get to my studio. And.... it's lunch time. Somewhere I either got distracted on the evil of the Internet, or the prep to do the orders took longer than I thought. My second cup of coffee is cold. Sad moment.
Miss toddler had already finished almost 2 servings, adult servings, of oatmeal, an apple, a couple cups full of Milk and water and is excited about the prospect of more food. When a toddler is eating, you take full advantage!
Personally, I had half of her second serving of oatmeal. Cold because I forgot I had it in front of me.
Lunch is in the studio since I'm behind and the day whizzes by. I accomplished everything I had planned, even being a few hours behind! Only one memory dump moment, one toddle, and dinner time is upon us!
Mealtime is a bit more planned since I'm now on day 2 of adjusting my nutrition to help support my body holistically for my increase in activity. Or, you know, eating better and working out and shit. So dinner is a filling balanced meal because tomorrow starts the work out routine.
I'm completely stoked. I don't even know where to set my goals. My body is completely different than it was last time. Yes, I've had a baby since then, but it's not the lack of abdominal muscle tone or extra pounds that I'm doubting. It's the slippery joints.
Elastin. The body does amazing things when pregnant, one of those is creating more elastin so that tendons can stretch further with minimal damage during birth. That's how it's supposed to work. I had bones grinding in my last 6 weeks of pregnancy because my body decided it didn't need any tendons. They went on a relaxing fucking vacation and never fully came back.
Tomorrow it's time to beat them into shape. I forsee a lot of yoga and Pilates in my future for recovery...
~ Phoenix Theory
May 16 2016 sometime after 10:30pm
I woke up at 4:30 this morning and immediately started running through my list of "Stuff to Accomplish Today". Let's break that down a bit. I have a small stack of orders for my business, items to be sorted for the co op, photos to edit, home line to prepare for launch, posts to make, listings to renew... and for some reason my mind was ready to get it started at 4:30 in the morning. I knew this was going to be a rough day. My brain and I woke up arguing.
"Stuff to Accomplish Today" can be taken two ways. Either S.A.T. or S.T.A.T.
S.A.T. I never really sit, but there are days where nothing gets accomplished and I might as well have been overtaken by alien body snatchers and put back at the end of the day when I finally lay down and realize I don't recall what actually happened since I awoke. But I am almost positive my studio is a disaster with no finished project to show for it, the kitchen is a mess, my toddlers food is still on her plate untouched and the dogs have tracked a layer of dirt on the floor and dust on the cabinets.
S.T.A.T. Somehow in zombie state the coffee ends up fantastic, dishes are done from my previous days failures, breakfast is made, the toddler eats, my posts and updates are completed before she's ready to get down from her chair, I have my projects lined up and a PLAN. Caffeine infused and with my stomach satiated I breeze through the day. Which really means I completed 1/3 of the planned projects, ate 3 meals with my toddler, dishes are at least soaking, the floors were vacuumed, but the dogs still managed to add a new layer of dirt and dust down. Can't win em all.
With that clarified, today was a S.T.A.T. day. With my studio mostly cleaned and organized following yesterday's 2 week project completion, I laid out my next four orders and got started. Then I was tagged in social media. Cue raffle agreement, details being hashed out, launching my second line prematurely because, well, raffle items belonged to it and you know, publicity. That means social media posts, online store launch, etc. Excellent! Accomplishments! Oh, it's my god sons birthday... Super hero tank now jumped before other orders. And my machine is rebelling. Four tries to get the stitching right. Nothing. Ok, fine, sending it without decorative stitching.
And it's 5pm. Now I've left out things like eating, toddlering, order q&a, socializing, promoting, toddlering... but either way, it's time to start dinner.
Hubs is home and on a downsizing tangent. So all day I've been watching him walk to the garage and trash with bags full of stuff. I'm totally ok with this. Big move planned soon so it's on the agenda. However, he starts mentioning all the clothes we had pre-baby. While we're getting dinner ready.
Blah.... ok. Yes. Let's do it. We'll start tomorrow. Work out routine go go Go! I truly love working out. I miss it. I miss hiking and challenging myself....
But what about all the "Stuff to Accomplish Today"?
So, now my mind is racing trying to rearrange my schedule tomorrow, what meal adjustments I can make with what we have, where my ankle brace is, how much time it will take for me to get my joints to meet my expectations, if my toddler will join in, if my teenager wants to join... It's now added to my "Stuff to Accomplish Today"
~ Onward to tomorrow! Sat or stat?
Clarification: I don't "diet". I adjust my nutrition for increased activities to reduce swelling, cramping and increase stamina and energy.
Obviously i want to lose weight, but no I will not make that the focus. For both my daughter and my sake. Strength, flexibility and endurance goals will be set, reached, and celebrated! I want to hike the mountains our first week in Washington with the minimal amount of physical restrictions.
~ Phoenix Theory
