Dimensions

Mountains. I have fallen in love with mountains, and valleys, and tree lines, and rock slides, and canyons. And I miss them dearly. When you have spent your entire life in Houston you don't realize what your missing. There is no landscape. You don't look to the horizon because there is nothing there. It's flat. It's empty. If you live in Houston, or spent any time here, you will understand just how vast the nothing is. We used to drive hours to go to the hill country. Hills. Big road humps. Did you know there are almost no natural rocks in Houston? Silt. Our dirt is silt and plant matter in all stages of decomposition. I never really thought any of it was odd. Until I met my hubby. He is very vocal about all things, mostly negative things. So he complained, in length, about all the things Houston and this entire swamp lacks. I really didn't understand. Just a mere 3 hour drive is an old rock quarry. ROCKS. There's limestone, sandstone and even granite further north. And hills! We have landscape here. Wrong. There is land, fences, keep out and private property signs. We might have landscape hours away, but it's not ours. Texans don't have landscape, some land owners have a little bit. But there's Big Bend, which is about a day away. I've never been. It might be really beautiful, but I really have no desire to spend a week or more there to hike. Maybe I haven't seen the right pictures, articles, hike guides. Maybe not. Then my hubs takes me to Arizona. All I could think about was fucking desert. All that sand and no damn beach. Below mountains start appearing and he's telling me all about them. They're beautiful. I want to see them all. Then we land in the desert. Sand, cactus, and beyond that is peaks. So incredible. My entire world just had another dimension added. Out there. Amazing. This is not my first time to leave Texas. I've been all over the south from Mexico to Georgia. Nothing compares. Perhaps it was my age at the time, or how distracted I was with other things when visiting these places. But Arizona mesmerized me. A short trip north from Phoenix and we were in Sedona. The layers upon layers in the stones that told eons of secrets I didn't understand, the canyon hike from desert to pine, the jeep trail to the top of a butte where the stars suddenly were infinite, the lynx that paused to peer at us on the step ride down... I was in love. And needed more. A 9 hour hike was a trial for us. We live at sea level, Sedona is 4500 or so above that. It was early spring and blessedly cool, but we forgot to hydrate. There is no comparison to mountain bike trails, what we had in Houston to prepare, and canyon trails. We were sore, foot sore, dehydrated and a bit oxygen deprived. But I still needed to see it all. Further north to Flagstaff where snow on the ground had all the trails closed, then across the rim where the snow was still feet deep in the shade. Snow. Lots of it. We stopped multiple times, played in the snow, took mesmerising pictures and kept heading north. The Grand Canyon. Go. Don't hesitate, put it on your bucket list. Add Sedona Canyon hike & Flagstaff mountain hike to that list. I climbed out to the furthest ledge I could find and just stared. There was snow on the canyon walls where the sun rarely reached. Plants and succulents hanging onto rocks. The valley was vast and swept me away. Unfortunately we were not able to do any hikes down because we were still recovering from our hike and did not feel we could spend the time we wanted to explore. There were many other places we stopped, but those 3 changed me. It was only 3 days, 2 nights. Just the opportunities that a state with so much state and national park provide is astounding to a Texas girl. Add in the fact that you can drive 3.5 hours from desert to the tree line to the Grand Canyon, being able to stop, hike, camp & explore along the way, it turns into a life altering experience. We don't visit enough, especially now with a Sprite. However soon we will be moving to somewhere grand, awe inspiring, accessible and I can't wait. Motivation.

Brownies and bullshit

Last day of high school for my son, ever.

I wake up super early, 4ish am, because I planned on waking up at 5:30. No, it doesn't make sense, but it happened. I lay in bed, refusing to start my day that early, listening to the storm outside.

CRACK! And the walls shake. Now I'm 120% sure of 3 things. 1. One or both giant oak trees in the front yard have been struck by lightening and crushed our cars 2. I will be starting my day this early 3. I will need the dark roast set on expresso.

I pass the hall bathroom and my poor pup was curled up on a towel in the corner. She hates storms and tentatively follows me into the living room where the other two are eagerly awaiting my arrival. I open the back door to let the dogs out and they all jump back... right, rain. I leave the door open anyway.

Pecan is still in one piece in the back so I go to check the front. Pants. I forgot pants. I make it all the way to the end of my entrance, outside. Yes lol good anyway.

Coffee, breakfast, kid. My very small list of things to accomplish because my brain isn't functioning yet. Coffee CHECK! Food... food...food... nope. Because someone got hungry the night before.

Kid it is. Hugs and hugs and congratulations and excitement. He's done after today! Yay! Not the big breakfast I wanted to make, but he has coffee and is totally content.

We chat before he leaves, laugh about stuff, and I give him another big hug and tell him how proud I am before he leaves.

Totally together. I'm good, no more tears. Today is a S.T.A.T. day. Orders to catch up on before tomorrow's crazy day of graduation, family party, etc. and lots of pre manufactured orders to get out. Busy busy bus... and I dropped my phone. Which I do all the time. But this time I knew it was THAT time. And it is. Glass is horribly spidered. But it works! A worry for another day when there's more money and more fucks given.

Make my oatmeal, another coffee, sit down at the computer to do my morning checklist and totally get side tracked. Stupid interwebs.

The hubs takes over primary toddler wrangler for the day, and I... well, I work on my online store front. I'm not generally a sitter and will perch on the edge of my chair for hours if I'm cramming computer work. But today I sit back and curl into my big armchair (yes I use a recliner as a computer chair) and get totally engrossed in fixing a major error I noticed in my listings... and there goes my day.

I pack orders, don't actually do any sewing, forget to start dinner, and end day.

My hubs complains and rants about having to dress nice for the ceremony, how he's just going to get stuck with miss toddles, how horrible it's going to be to keep her settled, etc. I let him talk. I always do. And he does. In length. About everything.

One of his favorite things is to look up random subjects about anything I've mentioned, have expressed an interest in, or am doing and tell me how it's either a horrible idea, that I'm wrong, or there's a better way to do it backed up with data and facts.

I'm not a stupid person. I'm overly analytical about everything. So generally he's wrong or doesn't have a grasp on the situation.

But I let him talk. And gently steer him to my logic or sometimes even tell him he's right or wow, great idea. Because that's how we do.

Tonight, however, it was my turn to talk. Which I generally don't do.

He was making brownies and if you're making brownies, cookies or cake it's a sin not to taste the batter or dough. Multiple times. Until the bowl and spoon are clean. He gives me the look and I proceed to tell him about an article I read regarding the actual dangers and chances of getting salmonella from eating raw batter and cookie dough. Tables. Turned. He tells me he doesn't fucking care. Because he doesn't want to take the chance with Ms. Toddles. Even though the risk is higher with cooked chicken. Which she eats all the time.

Doesn't. Fucking. Care.

All the lectures I listen to DAILY about literally everything, times he's spent hours researching just to tell me I'm wrong, or to learn a different way to do something than how I do it... and he's going to tell me he doesn't care.

Fuck you.

I've watched him "try things out" multiple times when it comes to even the most important things, like our daughter. I don't tell him I don't care. I explain why I do things the way I do, why it works for me and question some of the logic. Then let him try to prove me wrong. Repeatedly.

I try to talk to him about anything and he interrupts me, takes over the conversation, and talks. I listen, maybe make a few remarks, then walk away.

And he doesn't care.

I go off.

I can literally count on both hands the number of fights we've been in. Even with my crazy anxiety. I know when something is irrational and can generally talk myself down.

But this. This infuriates me and I'm fucking justified.

I tell him how he is constantly talking, almost always negative, trying to prove me wrong, taking over conversations and turning them into lectures... and that this is why I never talk to him.

And he tries to turn it around on me. Ummm, no. I didn't say I don't care what you say. I said I LISTEN to what you have to say. I try to converse with you. Don't try to twist my words.

He's sorry. He really does care what I have to say. He's stressed about having to handle the toddles during the graduation.

Suck it up. Stay home or deal with it. Everyone is anxious about my hubs being there because it's always a shitstorm of negative remarks and why anything we're doing is pointless and stupid when the sprite is there.

Does he listen to what I suggest? Or how I handle her? No, he doesn't. He says that's not how he's going to deal with her. So she walks all over him. And he ends up cussing and making belittling remarks about the event, why are we there in the first place, how he doesn't care about what the event is for whatever reason, why anyone would want to go, etc until I finally pack our shit and walk out. This will not be one of those times.

I don't argue with him when this happens, I don't yell at him, I pack up Sprite in the car and take a short walk while he starts it up, or get in the back next to her. Because he knows why I'm upset. He let's me cool off then will try to make conversation. Ummm, no. You just finished throwing a grown man fit in front of your toddler and a stadium full of people to get what you want, I'm missing the last half of my son's football game, again, and now you want to talk? Nope.

Not this time. One remark, just one and I'll escort you to the nearest door and close it behind you. I may or may not talk to you ever again.

Once again, suck it up. Shut your mouth for a few fucking hours and let me enjoy the turmoil of my son's graduation.

I'm still pissed even after I went off. Fuck him and his must prove me wrong negative fucking attitude. Also, don't fuck with my cookie dough and brownie mix.

You blinked

I'm sitting in my car, in my driveway, the car turned off, the toddler in the back asleep, rain falling and trying not to cry.

My son is graduating in two days. From high school. He's moving out shortly after. To his father's.

I could give him a list of 3,743 reasons it's a bad idea. But I don't. He's made his decision.

His father has instilled a horribly false sense of debt and loyalty by doing nothing other than emotionally manipulating him. I've tried to explain the subtleties of the manipulation, what to be aware of, how it feels... but in the end I try not to speak negatively about his father. I tell him his father is mentally unstable. That his father loves him.

Years of his father not showing up. Sometimes he forgot. Sometimes he slept to 5pm. Sometimes he would tell my son he felt inadequate because he couldn't afford to take him anywhere. My son, at 10, would console his father. It broke my heart to hear him say "It's ok Daddy. No, you're not a horrible father. We don't have to spend money, let's go to the park."

Over time it made my son feel obligated to make his father feel better about himself, about being a horrible dad. About forgetting him.

I didn't see it early on, what the end result would be.

And now it's done. My son feels guilty for living a better life than his father. For not needing him. For having more than him.

We can't even give him a car. His father got him one for his birthday 2 years ago. And he will take nothing until that one is running. Because his father put so much time and money into it. Which is all bullshit.

My husband feels betrayed. I completely understand why. He's worked so hard to provide a life we never had. We've worked so hard. And he's just leaving at the first opportunity. Not to live his own life, but to appease his father.

It all started with good intentions. I wanted him to be near his father. To have a relationship. To not hear me talk bad about him. To understand that he loves him even if he's having problems that are hard to understand. That he wanted to come today but couldn't.

Then I blinked.

And he's yelling at me telling me that his father has sacrificed, that he's given up so much for him.

What?

Correction: Your father has done nothing but make excuses for why he couldn't sacrifice for you. Why he couldn't pay child support. Why he couldn't pick you up and spend time with you. Why it was more important for him to stay with his girlfriends daughter. Why he needed to expend so much time and energy fighting for his step daughter's custody, child support and rights.

My mistake for saying any of that. He tells me his father deserves his time too.

No, no he doesn't. He hasn't earned your loyalty. You're better than him. You don't need to bring yourself down to make him feel up.

I'll be here if you need me. Please remember we love you and want nothing but to see you truly happy. Our door is always open for you.