You blinked

I'm sitting in my car, in my driveway, the car turned off, the toddler in the back asleep, rain falling and trying not to cry.

My son is graduating in two days. From high school. He's moving out shortly after. To his father's.

I could give him a list of 3,743 reasons it's a bad idea. But I don't. He's made his decision.

His father has instilled a horribly false sense of debt and loyalty by doing nothing other than emotionally manipulating him. I've tried to explain the subtleties of the manipulation, what to be aware of, how it feels... but in the end I try not to speak negatively about his father. I tell him his father is mentally unstable. That his father loves him.

Years of his father not showing up. Sometimes he forgot. Sometimes he slept to 5pm. Sometimes he would tell my son he felt inadequate because he couldn't afford to take him anywhere. My son, at 10, would console his father. It broke my heart to hear him say "It's ok Daddy. No, you're not a horrible father. We don't have to spend money, let's go to the park."

Over time it made my son feel obligated to make his father feel better about himself, about being a horrible dad. About forgetting him.

I didn't see it early on, what the end result would be.

And now it's done. My son feels guilty for living a better life than his father. For not needing him. For having more than him.

We can't even give him a car. His father got him one for his birthday 2 years ago. And he will take nothing until that one is running. Because his father put so much time and money into it. Which is all bullshit.

My husband feels betrayed. I completely understand why. He's worked so hard to provide a life we never had. We've worked so hard. And he's just leaving at the first opportunity. Not to live his own life, but to appease his father.

It all started with good intentions. I wanted him to be near his father. To have a relationship. To not hear me talk bad about him. To understand that he loves him even if he's having problems that are hard to understand. That he wanted to come today but couldn't.

Then I blinked.

And he's yelling at me telling me that his father has sacrificed, that he's given up so much for him.

What?

Correction: Your father has done nothing but make excuses for why he couldn't sacrifice for you. Why he couldn't pay child support. Why he couldn't pick you up and spend time with you. Why it was more important for him to stay with his girlfriends daughter. Why he needed to expend so much time and energy fighting for his step daughter's custody, child support and rights.

My mistake for saying any of that. He tells me his father deserves his time too.

No, no he doesn't. He hasn't earned your loyalty. You're better than him. You don't need to bring yourself down to make him feel up.

I'll be here if you need me. Please remember we love you and want nothing but to see you truly happy. Our door is always open for you.